"lit you up like a star"

i cannot think of a better way for yesterday to have gone down.  i really got little to nothing done when it comes to checking out (except verifying grades) because i was busy spending time with the kids.  i would love to post pictures of my shirt, but some students wrote last names and it makes it difficult for me to post pictures as my shirt says where i work. i’ll just share some of the sweet things they wrote to me. it was difficult saying goodbye and also tell them that i won’t be there next year. not that i’d be teaching 8th grade there, anyway. so we’d be like two ships passing the night, really.

kb loves you so much. we had a good talk. i’m going to miss you.

ks: i’ll stalk you

la: best friend i’ll miss you love, l; i <3 you!!!

c: i hate you jk hate you ima fight you after school ninja (really, c? you wrote  that like in 5 different places in 5 different ways. oh wait! you learned something!)

d: you have likes!  SWAG!

s’s property

my friend, youre the best teacher i had. i love you. i will miss you. have a great summer. - m

r: i’ll miss you BFF tweet me

c: get some friends jk luv you you have wonder powers

h: you are a fabulous teacher

v: ima miss you -swag-

it’s j ur fav student

d: i love you i will miss you!

puff daddy (yes, that’s his name) wuz here (now hiring)

w loves my BFF #3

b <3s you best friend

c: i’ll miss you

Have

A 

Great 

Summer <3

i lost to a student in the sumo match.  there is a video that esme took of it. and anissa kicked my butt. talk about out for blood. at some point i screamed don’t hurt me.

and there’s another video that esme took. i can make her laugh just by flashing deuces at any time in any way.  so we made a swag video yesterday. she sent it to me, but i cannot post it. hilarious. every time i watch it.

so she and i finally had a conversation about why the deuces and swag comments make her laugh so much. she said she doesn’t know why. so i ask, ‘it’s because i’m white, isn’t it?’ *roar with laughter* and she says ‘don’t make me answer that, miss!’ 

i returned to the swimming pool yesterday. though i only did about 1500m, i felt pretty good. just my breathing at this point. i did take it easy by extending the time between intervals. and stopped once during the first 600m. it’s amazing how a little bit of exercise can make me feel so much better. love endorphins. love love. endorphins plus love = insanely happy.

thank you cold virus for removing 8lbs of muscle weight from my body. i am ever so grateful. not.

so my brother tells me lilian will be able to hand the avengers. she’s a huge transformers fan and it’s the same rating. so i’m taking lilian to see it today with william and tiff.  ha.  tiff just texted, ‘wait! 2d? 3d makes will throw up!’  definitely seeing the 2D. that is one smell that i cannot tolerate. thank heavens lilian has only ever done it once. ever. even as an infant. cast iron stomach she has.

tonight i have made a better decision that lilian and i are going to finally use the telescope. if i can get it working the way it should (it connects to my laptop), i can post some pictures. will have to make sure that i bring my pc connect cord and tether so i can share instantly.

as for my other plans for this evening, it would be like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. you can’t do that without making damage. i’m just trying to absorb being put in the place where we both know we belong.

lilian is currently freaked out by the cloned gingerbread stalkers in the shrek halloween special. silly little girl.

it was a wonderful surprise to drop lilian this morning at deep wood and run into dr galaviz!  he was shocked as ever to see me. in a good way. it was such a pleasure and was fishing for what i’m doing next year.  he still feels bad about the reeves and marzano dvd. i can tell. he mentioned it with such guilt but made up for it with lots of hugs. i feel bad about it. he wants to buy me a new one. so sweet, bless him.

i resigned today. i haven’t heard anything from deb yet. remember to avoid her like the plague during spring fling tomorrow.

remember to get michael’s number tomorrow so lilian and carter can hang out this weekend. he is on my case about getting together.

summer officially starts in a few days. and it’s all going to kick off on saturday - angela and i are going out for drinks and dancing. she’s driving. i am resolving that i now go out with girlfriends for drinks at least once a week over the summer. i need an outlet for fun at the moment. specially as i feel like such a jerk lately and i’m not really liking myself. i think it’s the cold and not being able to exercise. tomorrow i am going back to the gym as the doctor said i could. just a little bit of a cough. i think going out will help take my mind off of things for a bit and give someone a break from me. lord knows i need one. for some reason unbeknownst to me i feel like i am making impulsive, ridiculous decisions. i’m sorry for making another person miserable. i feel like a disappointment and i don’t like it. not being fair to either of us, really. so i’m making plans for fun.  my feelings aren’t different or going to change. i feel like i want this person to work through some things needing to be focused on without me getting in the way. i feel like it is needed. i also feel that i need to focus on myself so i can be of value to myself, my daughter, and maybe even this person if this person wants to enter my life. i’m still standing by and i still love this person more than ever. i just don’t know what else to do but keep monitor of myself for both our benefit. and if and when you are ready and come to me, i will be here. i just don’t know how to make him happy. and that’s all i want to do.

last day for kids tomorrow. taking the 212 shirt with me and a sharpie for kids to sign.  shirt number two. 

the serious case of the wrong-doing in the summer of 1993

i’m not one to post things about other people.  but i have have my purposes for sharing this story.  and nothing more can be done to me than what was done this summer.

it was 1993 and i was in my student teaching semester. i was picked for a placement and  nearly out of my skin with excitement.  i had a rough, busy summer because i didn’t know what happened to my relationship with my long-time boyfriend of three years. at the end of the spring semester that year he had just stopped calling and showing up. he wouldn’t talk to me nor would he see me. i was equally crushed and impressed with the incredible skill for avoiding me. and the worst part about it was the fact that i had no idea what had happened. there was no explanation. just silence. and it left me confused. three years of falling in love and working on a solid relationship. disintegrated into nothing.

i had a good relationship with his family. and even his family couldn’t tell me what was happening in his head. he wasn’t living at home. he worked, went to classes, and hung out with his friends.  it was as if nothing had ever happened between us in those three years.

so over the summer i worked, prepared for my student teaching semester, and had fun when i could. i didn’t wait around for him because he made it clear he wasn’t going to wait around for me.

suddenly i ran into a friend i hadn’t seen in a while. she was off to the marines in september and i was thrilled to see her. i just figured she was busy, but i saw her at the mall and found my conversation was a bit odd and forced when i spoke to her. i didn’t think anything of it at the time when i saw her, but when i went home and told mel i had seen that friend, she told me the reason why: the friend was pregnant.  mel worked with the girl’s father and said that she had forgotten to tell me.  no big deal; obviously she was embarrassed. i went on with my summer and thought i would hear from her eventually.

then it happened. two weeks into my student teaching semester.  flowers started appearing on my car. everyday a colleague of mine and i would walk out and there they would be. at first there was no note. but i knew from whom they were. it made me sick to my stomach. i couldn’t even bring myself to call. the second week the card was there. predictably, the signature was the name i was expecting.  i still didn’t call. even though he wanted me to.  i was still hurting and after all i was only 21 years old, working two full time jobs and taking a mandatory class. i wasn’t being vindictive. i just had responsibilities and wasn’t ready to make that step. i still had wounds that were healing.

the tuesday of the third week i needed to let the school know that they needed to be aware that i had a problem.  that monday night when i went out to the car, it wasn’t just flowers. it was him. there. smiling. as if everything was gravy. i took the flowers and said thanks. it’s been busy. hope you and your family are well. got lots of planning to do.  i’ll call you at the weekend. he showed up everyday that week to remind me to call.

thank heavens i carpooled with another student teacher (a male, double thanks).  that was one embarrassing conversation on the way home. i can’t lie very well so the truth came flushing out and continued when we reached his place. and then i had to summarize for his fiance who had only heard the back half of the story.

still he persisted. i finally broke down and had a drink with him so he could state his case. i listened. i just didn’t understand how ‘needing a break’ could manifest from just dropping off communication with someone permanently after three years of exclusively dating and talk of marriage.  he could only say that the relationship was too much stress and that he’s worked through it now.  and he wanted me back.  while i was still hurt, i wanted to forgive him.  but i decided that we would take it slow with a friendship and move on from there if possible.

from that day on he went out of his way to see me everyday. either driving out to school or the mall to say hello, bring me lunch or dinner, or even presents. he was incredibly generous. and boy did he take advantage of being a friend during the grieving time i experienced after my father’s death.

about a month after my father died, mel came to see me and was visibly upset. it was like the night my father died all over again.  then she said it: he was the father of her baby, and he had already started paying child support to her as an agreement.  i think deep down inside of me i felt relief.and i just sort of sat down from the shock.  and then there was the anger that i felt. the resentment and the feeling of being deceived. i think there was a part of me that knew.  i couldn’t believe that he had the nerve to do that to me. or her.  but now i had the perfect reason to let him go for his own good.  

melanie was instantly frustrated with me. she wanted to take me round to his car with a baseball bat and let me have a go, but i couldn’t see the point. it was counterproductive. i just wanted to move on with my life. she picked up the phone and dialed. she handed the phone to me and made me talk.  i let him know that i knew. he cried. he begged. he came round to the apartment and begged for an hour to the point where i think mel wanted to kill him. i was indifferent. in my heart, i was done in the spring months before and i was okay with his choices.

i guess my point in sharing this is that all sorts of pain is packaged with life.  but it’s how we handle our actions and those we love who could be hurt in the process. it was an awful and hurtful time for me. and now when i make up my mind to make a commitment to someone i love, i remember the hurt, the lies, and months of silence. and i know not what to do when someone feels the same way about me. i don’t even regret being with him. i could not have grown and experienced the feelings i did without taking the risk. i am a better for it. it has made me stronger.

especially as there is so much more to this story that i am not sharing that goes back to spring of 1990. it’s incredibly personal to me, and that makes this memory even more painful. i am willing to share it, but that is for a different venue. i have lived through this and there is nothing worse than this that could ever be done to me that hasn’t. i think that if he had handled the situation differently and communicated what was happening with him rather than just cutting me off, we may even have been married to this day. i am amazed that i have learned to trust after this. it’s been 20 years, so i’ve had time to learn how. i know what it is to be distrusted and to distrust. i am never going back to that again.

today was just amazing. and it seems that my luck is most definitely changing. i only wish a certain person could share in my celebration. i guess celebrations can be done at any time. and maybe it can happen at a later date.

so here goes some of the most glittering highlights of my day. not that description could do any of it justice.

let’s start with the meeting for my potential job next year.  i knew drs gonzales and sanchez were serious about bringing me onboard, but i way underestimated their desire. i nearly passed out when i saw the salary bonus they are giving me. i just rang dr g to thank him.  needless to say i signed the contract on the spot.  benefits are just as competitive as my current job. same plan, and prices are just about the same.

how about the kids at school?  so sweet! during seventh i actually had two student cuddle up next to me when we were watching the video about the tornado last year.  i like that lisa wanted to share her volunteer experience in joplin with the kids.  and sixth period is becoming a freaking riot.  two boys (one of whom has a mother who works the front desk) were joking around with me and we made arrangements to meet on the playground @ 3:30 for a fight.  i lost. by forfeit. didn’t show up being as cowardly as i am.  i will hear about it tomorrow. they’ll probably come searching for me to finish what we started. 

for the best part of the day: that special someone aka only man on the planet next to peter parker who has put a smile on my face time and time again in the last few months.  am near certain he is using that profile. and if that’s the case, there most definitely is extreme happiness upcoming! maybe i’m not cut out for a holiday at shoal creek after all!!! i hope some of my DMs weren’t too intense.  i sort of have that problem in transferring my heart from my brain and into my hands.  ::no filtering:: *face palm*

oh, and by the way, peter parker isn’t real in case you were wondering.  so that more or less makes him solo as only man on the planet. and not han solo. just solo.

just feeling rather lucky that it’s me and still waiting to awake from the dream i’m having.

speaking of dreams, i had a dream on sunday. only fragmented memories of it, but yes! i still had one.  i am hoping that this summer will bring the return of my lucid dreams.  think that i may be too tired and stressed with work stuff that my brain just is storing rather than dreaming.  

i cannot wait until this cold/virus goes away. throat is feeling better, but i really want to get back to the gym.  am proud of myself for prioritizing and actually getting the rest i need. this is progress for me in so many ways. i dislike becoming older. *sighs*

until tomorrow: same bat time. same bat channel, kids!  oh, and how about a little bit of this fabulous number before sleepytime?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6fVDAjs9f0

just one last thing before i hope myself into dreamland

outcome-based results in teaching and backwards design.  this is something that is best practice in teaching.  whether or not we want to admit it, we teachers are manipulators of learning and behavior in the classroom. the outcomes we yield are designed specifically by careful planning and questioning techniques.  ask the right questions, get the right answers.  present the right material, students generate the right questions. it’s a simple as the inception of an idea. it never really happens by accident. if it does, it was the accident was an accident.

to get there, we have to start with the questions or the answers we want the students to think of in the end. then we scour for resources and questions for exploration to help students get there.  it’s as simple as knowing what the answer is and asking the questions or presenting ideas and materials to help you get to that answer.

so start at the end, find a starting point, and plot points along the way.

and as teachers, we sometimes think that our lessons didn’t work. but in actuality, they sometimes did a lot more than we expected them to do.

throat is still killing me. lidocaine is working somewhat.  lots of tea and ice water to help alleviate the pain.  cannot take off tomorrow due to important meeting at school and then the meeting with drs g and sanchez.  maybe wednesday if it’s still bothering me.  i have to go back on friday if it’s still a problem.

dr g has called me a few times reminding me that I need to be there tomorrow.  and chloe keeps texting me questions so they ensure that the paperwork is perfect. with all of this, and what dr g had to say about me at the curriculum meeting, i had better live up to expectation.  with the new EOC for 9-12, i will definitely have to do a few trainings over the summer (nts - check region 13 workshops).

forgot to mention that dr ‘el presidente’ sanchez was also at toni and daniel’s on saturday. he’s so welcoming and warm with all of the hugs, and had nothing but alarmingly and complementary things to say about me.  a bit scary as this organization is highly regarded.  i think it was his wife who was with him, but i cannot be sure.  at least he didn’t introduce her as such.

it’s the last week of school and everywhere i turn there are children offering hugs and smiles.  one student went as far as to say that he was going to buy me a teddy bear with his name stitched in it to remind me of him.  very sweet. however my affection for that sentiment quickly turned when he decided to walk to the recycling bin more than once pretending to be a truck backing up complete with surround sound.

and what is it with seventh grade boys wanting to wear my jewelry and handbag?! androgyny alive and well in the seventh grade.

oddly enough, lilian’s new ‘do’ has me guessing where the loads of hair she chopped off came from on her head.  bizarre.  had plans to have a fix-it haircut but unnecessary. liked that it saved me some time as feeling poorly.

today was definitely back to reality. and i’m back on a routine eating pattern.  somewhat.  still not hungry but am eating to keep up my strength. and it is helping to stabilize my mood. i just despise eating just to eat something.

looking forward to tomorrow.  never know what or who will change it  forever. oh. and finished the legal documents today  (finally! - it took forever). happy that this will be finished.  will plan on cake and champagne for this, too!

Jenna quoting MLK: if you can’t run…walk….if you can’t walk…crawl…..if you can’t crawl, then by all means move forward

Me: and if you can’t crawl, just collapse to the ground.

Jenna: and let others pick you up and put you to the side.

what would i do without you?  :)

Because this is so important for me to resolve

i am sorry. and while i know that there’s not much i can do at this point in time, you have every reason for your actions. but i did not intend upon or set out to hurt you. how you feel right now is all my fault. and it hurts me that i hurt you. i’ve made a huge mess of things by destroying your trust and your happiness.

i don’t expect this to make it any better for you, but it is all i can offer at this point. i would like to move past this; however, you are the only one who can make those decisions for yourself. and whatever decisions you do make, no matter what is decided, i will stand by you because it is what you decided.

i wish to announce that i am imperfect, and i have no excuses for anything.  but one thing i do know is that it is normal to behave in an abnormal way when a fear of the unknown comes into play. not an excuse, just the only logic i can find in this. i feel terrible for everything and will for some time. it will take me a while to feel alright again after all of this.

as far as the feelings you’ve given to me, it will take a long time for those to change too. i only wish i could have given you as much happiness instead of nothing but loss and heartache.

fantastic to see everyone from aca at the party yesterday.  what’s greater still is the fact that faye and kevin will be in the high school (no idea who the science person will be - probably cheri!), and we all get to manage the departments together.  and sheldon has brought better bodies to eacp now as well.  i may start taking that class.

and for the record, toni and daniel make the best limeade ever. it didn’t taste like the simply stuff, so will have to ask if they made it or used simply. 

lilian definitely had fun considering she didn’t want to go in the first place. but toni’s nephew and tiffany’s son were great playmates.  she was actually invited to a dance with a boy in her class.  i said no based on the fact that she’s five. i’m a mean mommy.

we’ve been invited to stay with nonni on the farm next weekend. always a good time. must check the calendar. could go for a horse ride or two. will have to check the calendar and see.

need to finish grades today. will do that later after i get back from arc. physical symptoms may be underlying cause. but i am trying to find my way through this confusion and guilt. i just want to be happy again like i’ve been these last few months.